There is no arrival here on Earth. This is something I need to remind myself of often. I work towards goals, I build a life together with my husband and our kids (that is until they branch off and start their own), and I push deeper into the depths of the Father’s love. However, I am never going to reach a finish line in any of these categories–not on this side of Heaven anyway. I will never be Earth-conscience of my end point. You are here until you are not. Sounds simple, but I think we all can lose sight of that. The goals we have may not turn out the way we think, but even if they did, you would need to create new goals anyway. This life is fluid and can change, evolve, or re-direct at any given point. The thing we need to realize is that putting your faith in Jesus and the roots you place in your relationship with God will be the things that last forever. They will also be the things that give you stability when the rest of your world feels uncertain.
I have been married 10 years and I know just enough to know that I don’t know nearly what I thought I did in the beginning. The last 3 and a half years in particular have been eye opening. Not in the “secrets-about-my-spouse” way, but in the “stretching-of-love” way. I found that the marriage I am in is safe and I have freedom to go to the depths of past wounds and get even greater healing than I thought I needed. I’m talking some major, life-changing, identity repair here. The last three or so years have been more than I could ever imagine! One thing I am learning is that when you pursue God and all He has for you, there will be no end. Not now, not ever. The depths of goodness He has for you are endless! The best part about it is you do not have to wait for the pearly gates for this adventure to start. He longs to give you abundant life here and now. This doesn’t mean abundance of stuff, but abundance of lifesource. It is hard to put into words, but I am giving it my best. Your relationship with God can become like oxygen to your existence. You long to look at everything you do through the lens of eternity and your purpose here on Earth. Regardless of whether you think you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do, you seek Him and let Him worry about that.
This year I thought I would be writing more. When the school year started, I thought I would have more time to write since my youngest was in pre-k M-TH until 1. Even with my oldest being homeschooled, I thought I would get more done. I was wrong. This doesn’t mean that I missed the mark on my calling or that I did something wrong, it just means this wasn’t the time to pursue my writing as a career. However, an opportunity opened up in November at my husband’s office (he owns his own Chiropractic practice). This opportunity would be perfect for me…in August 2017 when all of my children will be in school full time. I felt torn. I felt conflicted. I also felt a divine opportunity to practice a desire of my heart: submitting to my husband. This small phrase brings up a myriad of emotions. for many of us women. I will dive into the journey I have been on with this very topic in a future post, but suffice it to say, I was given an opportunity to let my husband make the final decision on whether our son would continue at his homeschool hybrid or go back to public school. After talking and praying together the decision was made to have me take the new role at his office and put our son back in public school in January.
Truth be told, I was a mess of emotion over this whole thing and although I supported my husband’s decision, I was having doubts and waffle-y feelings about the upcoming change. The morning after we had officially made the decision, I was praying in the car–just me. My prayer went a little something like this:
Jesus, I trust you. I know that we are doing our best to listen and seek you. We made the decision last night, and although I feel good about it and I feel like it is the best move, but my emotions are wishy-washy today and I don’t want to feel this way for the next 6 weeks (when the new semester would start). Can you give me greater peace about this process? I need something to help me align my whole self (heart, mind and spirit) with this decision.
I kid you not I suddenly had a thought in my mind–the kind you know is from Holy Spirit and not your own.
You have been wanting your husband to lead. Now is the time to get behind him and support his decision.
BAM! (Hear that with an Emeril Lagasse emphasis).
BAM! Just like that a wave of peace washed over my body. I felt my whole self align with the decision. It was as if the gnats of indecision and what ifs were shooed away by a force greater than I could conjure up on my own. I knew this was right and good simply because I was supporting my husband and asking God to provide me with the tools needed to be the helpmate I dream of being.
But what does that mean for my dreams? My writing? Where I thought I would be at this point in life? What about me? I don’t have exact answers but I am not at all worried about it. God has it all under control.
If you long to be a more submissive wife, or you long to see your husband lead your family in a more confident way, I hope you will stick with me through the next several posts as I unpack my journey up to this point. It is full of pride-busting moments on my part, but I think it will give hope to those in my shoes.